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Post by amanda on Feb 1, 2011 19:39:05 GMT -4
I'm just looking for some feedback on my character. I have a few things I'm going to add, but I'd like to know what you think~www.neopets.com/~yeahceilingsno[/color][/font][/size]
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Post by purplemonkfish on Feb 2, 2011 6:51:45 GMT -4
Ok.. i'm a bit of a pedant. Feel free to ignore everything if you want to heh. I'm just going to ask a whole LOAD of questions as I read. You can think "what are you on, you idiot" for a lot of them, but maybe some of it will be useful. Sorry if I come across as harsh, I don't mean to be but I find it useless to sugar coat things. I'm not here to tell you your character sucks, i'm here to ask questions about things that seem odd or whatever to me. This is just me, and things I fixate on may be random. I do have a tendency to really obsess over pointless stuff. So here we go...
Appearance:
Aren't a fringe and bangs the same thing? I get confused by American terminology heh. But i'm not getting a clear image of his hair style, maybe try to rework it a little to be clear? THANK YOU for thinking about facial structure, though personally i'd add in a little more about face shape and such.
It's a bad sign that I had to actually look up what the hell 59/50 was. It's essentially a cap yes? I'm old and totally not clued up on these modern fashion things lol.
Layout:
Anyway, this layout isn't great. It took me a while to realise there was more info under the image.. now either i'm a moron, or well.. yeah. It's cluttered I suppose is my issue, and scroll boxes annoy me. I always see it as bad coding when scroll bars appear.
Personality:
Eugh.. adjective form personality. I really hate adjective form personalities. It's like "hey, I can sum someone up in a half dozen random words!" which is crap. You can't. Personally, i'd merge it all into a few paragraphs, which means you can talk about how each trait interacts without repeating yourself endlessly. But it's up to you. My hate for adjectives is probably a personal thing heh. I just find it a very flawed and very overused method of describing someone and often find a LOT of contradictions because there's no way in which to explain apparent contradictions (And believe me, people do have somewhat contradictory personalities, it's part of the complexity of humanity I suppose).
If he's very sure of himself, why does he get defensive? Surely he KNOWS he's correct and someone else is wrong right? I find very confident people tend not to get defensive but more arrogant because hey, they know they're awesome and you're just a moron.
Is he honest or is he blunt? The two are a little different. He sounds more blunt than honest, like... he speaks his mind sure, but would he admit to a wrong doing immediately?
If he hates criticism, why does he give a damn about other people's opinions? Heh. It'd be like "nope, i'm right. Sod off." I mean it's difficult to value someone's opinion when it directly contradicts your own right? Especially if you're as arrogant and self assured as you're saying this guy is.
He's realistic but impatient? So he doesn't hope for dreams but the things he knows he can accomplish he wont delay?
Overall, he sounds like a bit of a jerk but that's great. It's nice to see characters who aren't all angst and love hearts. I'd just work on kinda refining things a little bit more, really thinking about how all these traits mesh together and they can, I mean, there's nothing really glaringly wrong i'm just being nitpicky hah.
Likes/Dislikes:
The likes/dislikes... it really adds nothing, especially without context. I mean, why does he like taking walks? Actually explaining WHY he likes certain things and dislikes others would give insight into his personality and more about him, but a list without context is useless. I mean, i'm sure there's a good story behind his hate of chequered patterns, stickers and rugs right? Such random dislikes NEED explanation. Either elaborate, or ditch the list completely. It's just trivial and pointless.
What is it about cinematography that attracts him? It's never mentioned or even hinted at earlier, it's just random "oh yeah, by the way... he's artistic." Maybe add in something about his creative side in his personality?
History:
Why did he start school so late? Why did they think he had adhd?
How did all the moving really impact his grades? Because believe me, as someone who moved from school to school a LOT as a kid, it DOES. Every school has a different syllabus and you spend most of your time playing catch up. Consider that.
What does his mother DO that involves so much travel anyway? And why did he go to live with her if 1: She was the one cheating on her husband (often that's grounds for the husband to gain custody claiming the mother is unfit blah blah blah) and 2: she knew she'd be travelling so much? Did she just not think about it?
So he just.. out of the blue goes "oh yeah.. i'm gay." Is that really how it works? I thought most people kinda had a bit of an idea when they hit puberty and didn't want to sleep with girls. You say he developed an interest in girls anyway, so what's that all about? Is he actually bi? Was it a social kinda "I SHOULD like girls" deal? You don't just wake up one day and say "oh yeah, i'm gay.." unless you're in SERIOUS denial. Just doesn't seem particularly realistic to me. Maybe i'm wrong but it kinda comes out of the blue you know? Hmmm. And why'd it take so long for him to attend a "social gathering" anyway? He's what, 18? Don't kids start going to parties a lot younger? What stopped him? Did he just never have enough friends thanks to the constant moving? It just seems a bit odd that he'd never been to any sort of party you know?
Oh and he FINALLY hits a school that has a different curriculum. Man, he was lucky it wasn't till his freshman year that happened. *shakes head* I mean, how many different schools has he attended by this point? How many different states? Is it really plausible that he'd have never had a similar situation occur earlier?
Overall: It's not bad, certainly it's not god awful like SOME high school characters on neo ahem. But it does need a bit of ironing out, just a few tweaks here and there to really feel complete. It works as a character, but there's a few things you could do with actually fleshing out and explaining. It's a little too vague in places, a little too convenient in others. The history section doesn't really add much and probably really could be condensed into a few paragraphs explaining that he travelled a lot because of his mother's work and is now living with his dad.
But yeah, it's not bad but it needs a little more to really shine. Just keep at it, you'll be fine.
And you've reminded me I really should be working on my own characters... eugh.. laaazy.
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Post by amanda on Feb 2, 2011 12:03:06 GMT -4
I really appreciate the critique, it's more in-depth than any thing I would get on Neo and it'll be great when actually going through and fixing these things.
As for the layout, you're not the first person who's complained about the scroll. It's honestly a lot more noticeable now that you can see 'personality' peeking up on the bottom. Before it was just the picture and people were like 'so it's just appearance? Terrible character. I'll work on finding another layout, or at least pulling the scroll box down more so you can see that it starts to go more in-depth that just his appearance.
Once I fix it up some I'll be posting here again and if you're interested you could take another look~ Thanks.
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Post by purplemonkfish on Feb 2, 2011 12:47:09 GMT -4
No worries man! This is the usual crit I give on neo as well tbh.. but you're right, there's not many of us willing to be blunt but fair. Most people either want to praise or flame rather than actually critique. I die a little inside every time I ask for crit and people miss really glaring things I go back and notice myself. Or when they tell me characters from 10 years ago (which are TERRIBLE) are "great" and "perfect". I'm like "you didn't read this did you?"
But yeah, presentation is important. Good luck with the layout. I hate having to figure them out myself, I tend to just use a really plain one because hey, it's easy to read heh. But i'm told I need to have more "personality" in my layouts. I dunno about that... seems a bit... silly. But eh.
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Post by amanda on Feb 2, 2011 14:58:42 GMT -4
Well I did some work in his personality, adding on an additional page as well as for his goals. I'm about to start working on his history now, but I'd like to know what you think of what I have so far.
As for the layout, I opened up the scroll box more and left the link only showing halfway so that you notice that you need to scroll down-- I'm hoping.
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Post by amanda on Feb 2, 2011 15:21:02 GMT -4
Actually, tweaked his history a little too. Let me know (:
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Post by purplemonkfish on Feb 2, 2011 18:25:03 GMT -4
Reading the in depth stuff...
It's still in need of some refining but one thing has stood out thus far and needs addressing. "His father supported his decision" YOU DO NOT DECIDED TO BECOME GAY. Reword it, it's offensive. He supported his son? Just remove the decision part because seriously.. you'll really piss off the LGBT community with that remark heh.
Why didn't he know earlier that he wouldn't have the credits required? Or did he join the school near the end of the year anyway? The time line gets a little confused here. Just iron that out so it's clear.
His history is.. alright. It's not overly angsty, it's fairly normal but I would work on refining it.
I'm still not sure about this "likes people to look good beside him but that's not the case with friends." Seems like a bit of a copout you know? Maybe say something like.. whether consciously or not, he prefers to surround himself with the beautiful people, but that's not to say some great friends haven't snuck under that radar. Like.. usually he moves toward pretty types but there are a few more regular people who've managed to somehow earn his trust and friendship, and get to a point where they're more than just "decorations"
Spell check and grammar check this btw.. there's several typos throughout the personality section particularly.
Ok.. so the bit about him being realistic. Try to tie in the cinematography thing, because some would say that's not a particularly realistic goal. I mean, the media industry is REALLY difficult to break into (trust me, I have a degree in Computer Animation and Special effects, a degree that is only really useful if you want to go into you guessed it, the movie industry!) Something like... bring back the earlier mention about his ego. He KNOWS he can break into that industry because he KNOWS he has the drive to succeed. As far as he's concerned, that's totally realistic. Realistic may not be the word to use in this case tbh... maybe.. practical? He knows the steps he has to take and will take them, but he's no idle dreamer? He's motivated and determined and knows how to achieve his goals? I dunno, just tweak it a little. I know what you're trying to say, but as it's written it's a little contradictory.
In the same vein, link the last two paragraphs. He's practical and realistic about his goals, but he's impatient to see them progress.
But yeah, it's better. Do you intend to replace the short form stuff with this or leave it linking to a separate page as a kinda "if you really want nitty gritty go here." dealeo? It's great to see some explanation for his goals. What kinds of movies does he like? Heh.
As it stands, I can see him being interesting in an rp and i'd be happy enough to rp against him. But as with all wip characters, he just needs a little polish.
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Post by amanda on Feb 2, 2011 18:47:05 GMT -4
I'm silenced right now D: But thanks. I'll fix up those things and get it all running smoothly soon-- I hope.
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Post by purplemonkfish on Feb 3, 2011 7:59:24 GMT -4
Oh man, silenced? LAME. Temporary or permanent? Stupid tnt. Don't the realise it doesn't work? We just make new accounts ahahaha.
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Post by amanda on Feb 4, 2011 15:52:02 GMT -4
Lol, temporary. I have a bunch of other accounts. They trace IP addresses though so it can be difficult to not lose all your accounts at once.
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